February282013
So the day started off great, and then it got bad, and it turned into a fantastic night. I have a commitment to motivate me and remind me that I don’t have to use anymore. I have more to look forward to then the next high. It just feels great I feel lighter. I shared tonight about some problems I have been having that I can’t share here because I do not want to give away my identity but I got some great advice. A lot of harsh reality but I needed that. And I feel good to be in recovery today. I feel proud. Who knows about tomorrow but today I am proud to be a recovering addict.
January62012
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. It seems that this depression is just manifesting itself in my addiction. It has gotten to the point where I just stare out the window and wish to die. I see myself dying in so many ways. I just cannot fathom living a life like this anymore. Sometimes I don’t want to die. And that happened the other day, so I called, and I got help, and they denied me for treatment. I’ve ultimately decided that death is now my only option. It is a sad reality but I’m hoping it is for the better. It’s just a matter of when is the right time. I have way too many prior commitments to do it now so it will have to wait. Hmmmm a look on the more positive side of my life now. I was discharged and was not sent to inpatient (if that’s even a positive thing). I am thirty-three days clean. Woooooooot. And I’m getting a new car today. FINALLY. My car right now sounds like a goddamn motorcycle. So I was doing my service at the PD last night and there was an aggravated assault and the guy that was arrested was severely intoxicated and all he kept yelling was “I didn’t even hit him that hard.” The detective walks over to the lockup and says, “Really? Cause that guy looked like a meatball.” I laughed, not appropriate, but I was laughing pretty hard. I looked at the crime scene pictures afterwards.. and the guy really did look like a meatball. Sorry that was random, but I just thought that was hilarious, ya know, as far as cop humor goes. Oh and a big shoutout to all those that are supporting the fight to stay clean and all those inboxing and following! It means the world and goes a long way. Thanks for letting me share.
December312011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. So of course today I wake up with another burning desire. So what do I do? Go to work and go to a meeting. Hence, clean day 26. 4 days away from 30. Tonight’s meeting was no different from any other.. except the group size. It was smaller than usual so I guess I felt a little more comfortable. But today I actually shared for the first time. I finally spoke up and introduced myself and the reason I was there. I talked about my suicide attempt and how I started. I talked about my arrest and how it affected my thinking. I told them what I was thinking and how I wanted to use. I talked about wanting to die. I really opened up. And I cried. Not the collapse-to-the-floor-and-embarass-yourself type of cry. But the OHMYGODIAMSOGLADIGOTTHATOFFMYCHEST cry. Few tears, some sniffles. And when I looked up and I looked around the room, I had everyone looking back at me saying keep coming back with their eyes. I talked to people who could relate to what I was going through. Because I shared I met some great people tonight. Some very supporting people. I think I may have even found a sponsor. It’s too soon to tell, I don’t know if I’m ready to work steps. But I mean, it feels so good to not have at least that weight on my chest anymore. I just feel so cleansed. And right now, after tonight, music is the only chemical I want in my body right now. So with that I wish everyone a good night, and a Happy New Year. Thanks for letting me share.
December292011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. I haven’t been keeping up with this, I’m so terrible at making commitments. But I’m working on that. Lately it seems as if I’ve merely been tolerating everything instead of dealing with it. Things that happen, I just let them slide as if it doesn’t bothering me, leaving me with a lot bottled up. I guess that’s why I get so angry, but I don’t know how else to deal with everything. Yeah, I cut. Yeah, I’m suicidal. But even these things lately are just too much. I’m too depressed to even punish myself for being depressed. It’s as if I’ve lost interest in trying to kill myself, but I still want to die. I want nothing more than to die. But sometimes, it’s not about dying, it’s about not living. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to wake up and start the day in the morning. I don’t want to do to work. I don’t want to play video games. I don’t even want to get high right now. I just don’t want to live. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to go to sleep either. Which, go figure, I can’t do anymore. Back to endless days and restless nights. I would go back to a therapist if my copay wasn’t so high. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. And I just have no one to talk to about this. I can vent on here all I want but in the end, it’s my own responsibility to tell myself what to do. Thanks for letting me share.
December252011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. It’s kind of early for a post but fuck it, it’s Christmas. And besides… I’m going to bed early considering I’m already falling asleep. The coolest part about this year’s Christmas was that I had something to give to everyone. I think I like the idea of giving a whole lot more than receiving. Unfortunately that’s only the case when there’s not a whole lot to give everyone else as well. But today I got the short end of the stick from my family. Everyone else got over the top, extravagant gifts. My girlfriend got amazing gifts from her family. And I got…. Glee Karaoke Revolution? What the fuck am I going to do with that for a year considering I’ve already played all 20 fucking songs on the goddamn disc. I don’t mean to sound like an ass cause I didn’t get anything. It’s just that I got nothing and everybody else did. That fucking blows. It’s hard not to be upset by that. Really hard. Especially considering out of everyone in my fucking family I feel like I deserved the most. I work a full time job and I’m full time around the fucking house and I got SHIT. I got all excited for this? I just don’t see it. It’s whatever though.. I saw it coming. I hate the holidays. Merry Christmas everyone, hope yours was a lot better than mine! Thanks for letting me share.
December242011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. You know, aside from a few select moments, today wasn’t so bad. If it wasn’t for today I probably would have relapsed. But I mean, it’s Christmas Eve so it’s gotta be good right? I am just… so glad that I have my girlfriend. She is the anchor keeping my feet on the ground when times get hard and I feel like flying away. She’s got my heart permanently attached to her and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just want her to know that she means the world to me, and I want her to believe it as well. She has been nothing but loving, patient and supportive and I don’t think I tell her how much she means to me enough. I love that girl with every fiber of my being. She is my forever. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Thanks for letting me share.
December232011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. Today was a family day… oh joy. It’s basically short for I want to kill myself day. Does not differ much from any other day really, except on these rare occasions I actually have a reason. Hmmm let’s see. Today started off at 7:30 for me on my day off. Had to give the older girls a ride to school cause it was “raining”. Hence their legs were broken and the ground was dryer than the Sahara. Then the other two and I’m finally alone, only to get harassed verbally by my mom, cry on the kitchen floor for an hour, and then cry in my room for another two afterwards. Watched some tv, cried, showered, had lunch with my girlfriend and cried some more. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a pity post. Let me tell you how my day SHOULD have gone. Wake up at 10. Cop at 11. Receive bad news. Neglect to care. Get high. Feel nothing. Now do you understand why I am so upset. Respect is one thing I do not take lightly. I respect everyone I come into contact with, except these scumbags I call my family. My moms practically stealing from me, I can’t even use the stuff I buy cause it’s either stolen or broken and nobody even fucking likes me. Their using me for my car and my money. I hate them. And now my parents are getting divorced…just another reason for my mom to take more money from me. Yay 19 days clean?
December222011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. I kind of wish today was better. I wish I would have been more inspired to go out and do something. I didn’t even want to get dressed. I’ve been depressed before so it’s no shock I’m going through it again. I feel like the world is just waiting for me to kill myself. And I guess I am, slowly, on the inside. Tearing myself down each and everyday because I’m ugly and worthless. I hate my hair, I hate my smile, I hate my body. I mean, every once in a while I get those moments when I pass a mirror and I think I look good, but on the second glance it fades away and I see myself again. Insecurities have a lot to do with my drug addiction. I started using because I wanted to get away from my problems. The more problems I had, the more I used. The more escaping seemed like my only option. But then drugs became my problem. I want to escape and the only way I know is to get high. So how do you run away from a problem when the only solution is that problem? Staying clean… it’s rough. It’s just causing more problems. I’m so bitter now. Not to mention it’s the holidays. Guess who’s spending another one without their father? I hope none of you stopped to think about that. I guess I’m just going to have to face this.. myself. I don’t like my reality but you can’t run away forever. Sooner or later you have to face the reality of things. I’m never going to have a family that isn’t broken. I’m never going to have a father. I’m never going to get what I want. So I guess I’ll stop getting my hopes up for a phone call from him now this way I can almost enjoy my Christmas. Goodnight followers. Thanks for letting me share.
December202011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. It’s days like today where I wish I could just fall into a coma instead of fall into a sleep. I just want to wake up and be 3000 days clean and never feel an urge again. I guess you could already tell I have once again had a bad day. Today is just one of those days where everything bad that could happen, has happened. One of my worst nightmares was brought to life tonight. I mean, two seconds later and I could have lost the only person that means anything to me. Well, that special someone means everything to me. I guess I am glad that she is okay. But the events throughout the day were simply troubling. Triggering. Depressing. Stressful. I find I am now more exhausted than tired, more aggravated than stressed. I just want to sleep forever and wake up never. I’ve also noticed recently that I have absolutely no appetite. I ordered my usual from Wendy’s today and couldn’t even finish the fries. I was so upset I had to throw it out. I’m just taking recovery one day at a time for now. I am too upset for words and I am going to have to cut tonight’s post short. Sorry if it was more depressing than motivating and inspirational… Then again, it is my blog. Some of you should say hi… I could use someone to talk to tonight :(
December192011
Hi my name is ******** and I’m an addict. Have you ever just walked into a room of people and felt like everyone was just talking about you? Like they were just making fun of you and every time you look over your shoulder every one is smiling or laughing at you? I’m not saying this happened today but I mean it happened. This weekend actually. I think the hardest part about my recovery is I can’t let shit go. I can’t just have a bad moment in my day. No, never that easy. If one thing goes wrong, the whole day goes wrong. If I wake up late, the whole day is ruined. It’s one of my greatest personality flaws. Looking at where I am right now in my recovery, I am nowhere. I’m not even the one on a scale of one to ten. I have no hope, no sponsor, no one to talk to.. hell I can’t even think about sharing any of this at a meeting right now, which I just got back from. Mentally right now, I am in a very bad place. This thing that happened this weekend was Friday night. It’s Monday. It’s fucking Monday and I’m still watching Friday night like a fucking movie in my head. I can’t let it go. It’s haunting me. It’s not just the fact that it happened. I’m not mad that it happened. I’m mad that I noticed it. If I was high, I would have been oblivious to the world. I don’t even think I would remember Friday night. I wanna go out tonight. I wanna use. I need to use. Am I going to use? Probably not but it’s these thoughts that are keeping that answer from a definite no. I want to be solid in my thinking. Right now, I just cannot surrender myself to recovery. In my mind, I don’t want to get better, I want to get high. I can and I probably won’t, but I sure as hell want to. All the meetings I’m going to have people with 90 and 6 months and years clean and I can’t even see myself making 30 days. I’m halfway there though. I want to feel free from my addiction. I will admit that I am an addict and I will admit that I am powerless, but today I cannot admit that I want to fight this urge to use. I cannot surrender. I’m sorry for all the profanity in this post, I am just having a very bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
